“There so much I am free of now… I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings!”
Dexter the Magnificent!
Wow! I mean Wow! This is the biggest thing I have ever hit! I hit the root of soooooooo many things that have been playing me for so long. The reason I walk away from so many things and why I would feel since of victory as I left. The reason I would allow myself to be confused, or not look at things fully. The reason I keep everyone at arms length. And the fear I kept in myself of doing something wrong, doing the very things I wish not do.
The fear I kept myself in. Fear of situations. I felt I had to make myself fear things or I would over react. I didn’t want to see the whole picture because I was concerned it would make me take a course of action I saw to be foul and evil. I didn’t want to look at it because I was afraid it would make me conclude the only course of action was annihilation. And in so concluding convince myself to take that course of action. I not only began to question my own abilities but put in what I thought to be safeguards to prevent myself from achieving. Because I pondered by achieving I would lose myself in conquest. I wanted no part of it. I would even consider it. If I had I could have seen past it and found real solutions.
So I hid in sleep, I hid in booze, I hid in seclusion and I buried myself in, regret, self loathing and stripped away my belief in myself, allowed myself to be out of control, to make mistakes and became a loner, a wanderer giving up far to often at far to many things.
There is not much I have not walked away from. There has not been many days I have not wondered what I am going to screw up next or lived with the consequences of what I did to create a bad situation.
That and so much more I am free of now… I can’t wait to see what tomorrow brings!
I am totally and forever changed as of this day….Dex I am telling you best session yet!