November 15


How I routinely guide my client to process away the bad feelings and attitudes that have been making any relationship unpleasant, making it surprisingly good.

This technique can and should be used for any problematic relationships of any kind. Whatever comes to mind in response to these questions is exactly what needs to come up, nothing should be dismissed as irrelevant or random. 

The first part of this two-part procedure is to address and undo the ongoing detrimental game going on between my client and the other person. I call it the harmony restoration technique, formerly known as the opposition process:

Where there is a conflictive relationship, it does amount to a detrimental game being played, and the undoing of that game is the purpose, thus allowing for peace and harmony. And so the first step is getting the client to put a name to what this particular game has come to be. It can be something like “force compliance vs resist compliance”, “dominate vs refuse to submit”, “make you notice me vs ignore your attempts”, it could be anything, it could be worded an infinite number of ways, all that matters is to get my client’s expression, exactly as they see and say it.

After my client has told me about their problematic relationship and about the other person, my first question is,

“What kind of game is being played between you and _____(the other person), what says it best for you, how would you phrase it?” 

Then I use their words for that game and the name of the other person in asking these four questions, in this order, over and over if or as needed:

(1)“In the interactions between ____ (other person’s name) and you in this ongoing game of ____ (the wording of the game) has there been something that someone hasn’t been willing to fully accept and experience?”

(2)* “What problem has (or have) (whoever that “someone” is, whether it is the client or the other person) been trying to solve by resisting that?” 

(3) “In the interactions between ____ (other person’s name) and you in this ongoing game of ____ (the wording of the game) has someone caused something that was not easy to accept and experience?”

(4)* “What problem has (or have) (whoever that “someone” is) been trying to solve by doing that?”

*I explain to my client, in coming up with the answers to steps 2 & 4, that the answers sought here have to come intuitively, not deductively, meaning that this is not a process of “figuring it out”, it is the process of being open to allowing the other person’s, thoughts, fears and feelings to be recognized and felt. It is a natural ability in all of us that simply needs to be invited and allowed, and whatever is in the other person in relation to these matters plainly emerges. 

This part of the process results in a feeling of relief and release of any bad feelings or attitudes about the relationship, and the recognition that it’s all ok now. If at that point my client doesn’t clearly express that this game is over, I will clarify by asking,

“Have you now discarded this game, or can you now do that?” 

If yes, then this part of the procedure is done, and if not, it continues until this is accomplished and then we go on to the 2nd part, which I call the presence technique. I tell the client, 

“Allow yourself to become and remain completely effortless, relaxing all of you, and have and feel (the other person)’s presence here, with and in you. If you begin to have any reaction, attitude or feeling, simply notice this happening, return to your state of effortlessness and allow yourself to fully accept and feel any feelings that arise, without resistance, until you feel nothing other than comfort in having (the other person)’s presence here, with and in yours.”

My client will notice internal reactions and feelings, maybe mentioning these, maybe not, and I observe, notice and feel what they are experiencing, and gently guide them to continue as given whenever they seem to need the guidance, to effortlessly have, accept and feel the other person’s presence effortlessly, until they arrive at a point of happily and peacefully recognizing and enjoying having been relieved of any and all discomfort with the other person’s presence. They will feel quite a happy change of circumstance with the other person. This tends to affect the other person similarly, because a spiritual connection and recognition has occurred.

Sometimes things will emerge within the client that I will take up and resolve with one or more other of my techniques as we do this, but this generally isn’t necessary to accomplish the intended result of the procedure, which is a peaceful and happy relieving of the troubling feelings and attitudes that have been present in the relationship. 

Anyone who would like to learn how to professionally guide others smoothly and successfully through to these results is welcome to enroll in being trained one on one directly by me, and anyone who wants or needs this help for themselves is welcome to contact me for private sessions.

My best to you.

Dex Gelfand

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Therapeutic Spiritual Counseling