“For the last couple of weeks, I’ve actually been feeling like “not myself.” So what is “myself?” “Myself” is the guy that’s always concerned about his manners, concerned about what he says, concerned about what other people will think about me, concerned about my performance level, etc. In other words, I was introverted. I was always evaluating myself, and since I’m hard on myself, the evaluation inevitably leads to a self-invalidation. These invalidations, I’ve learned, accumulate and gather their own steam, to the point where I feel I can never get out from under them, thus, I’m never good enough, will never be good enough no matter my efforts, I’m always failing even when I’m succeeding, etc.
But now it seems like I’ve extroverted quite a lot. I actually find it a bit introverting to be writing this success story (not in a bad way!), because I have to look at myself in a “before and after” sense, and it’s not as interesting as whatever is in my external universe right now. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s a good thing because I’m more interested in the exterior world, and the future rather than the past.
It also seems that the person that I used to be is a far far distance away. I’m much more sure, more decisive, move and act and speak more deliberately, etc. I’m more A to B, I withstand stops or entheta much better, and I like myself a lot better. I’m more of who I want to be, assuming that who I want to be was who I once was.
I think I understand situations, people and even the materials I read much better. There was a duplication problem going on before, but now that has reduced. It’s interesting to note that I, as cause, put something out there, then I not-know it, then I have to duplicate what I just not-knowed, and then I can understand it, or at least a better grasp of situations than I used to. Anyway, I think my ability to learn, from both spoken words and written words, has increased.
I’ve always had too much attention on my communication level. There are too many aspects of my comm for me to list, but all I can say now is that I’m much more interested in the comm from the outside world, and whatever I originate, or feel like originating, is what’s going to come out of me. I’m more confident about being in control of my own comm as well as outside comm, which probably is reflective of the increase in tone level I’ve achieved. Comm is a lot easier, way less labored, more fun, more enlightening, more controllable, and I can control things with my comm much better. There’s no shyness, no overdoing it, no compulsion to communicate, no attempts to be interesting, no efforts to merely be there. I just am there. This sounds like a no-win, but I am the only one that’s really familiar with my circuitry in this regard, and the circuitry has diminished greatly. I’ve always had attention on being smart, being insightful, seeing situations and people as they really are, and discerning the truth of situations. I think since I’ve come uptone, I’m closer to a truthful level, and more of my duplications and observations of the world are more accurate.
I think I’ve always had an intention to communicate, as well as to be interested in others, but it was suppressed. Sort of like being sick all your life but not knowing it. When the blocks on communication get removed, the world seems different. It seems smaller, less mysterious, more in the proverbial palm of my hand.
Bottom line, I’m way more extroverted and interested in others, I don’t have undue attention on myself, there’s less circuitry having to do with duplication and communication, and I like myself better. This all seems stable too. These are things I’ve wanted since I read Book One but never achieved. But now, decades later, I have. Oh well, better late than never!
ARC, EJ”